2 Point 59 Children
by drunkdragon
Summary: The life of a huntsman often burns short and bright. But strong hunters beget stronger ones, and the quota must be reached. In short, Qrow Branwen and Winter Schnee are now married. This is a tremendous problem.
1. Chapter 1

Winter Schnee relished some of the simpler pleasures in life when she was off duty. While she was still a Schnee, which meant that she still received some of the privileges that came with the name, military life had shown her a few things.

No one was going to hold her hand when things got ugly, even if it was just a practice fight in basic training. Though aura helped, the fights were still dirty and she had her own fair share of black eyes and split lips during the time. And this was on top of her own Schnee semblance she was working on at the time.

No one was going to hold her hand when she was humping it across a dense forest or hot desert with more than fifty pounds of gear on her back. Those marches were brutal, and if she misjudged her rations or lost some, she would just have to make do with less supplies for the next day.

And certainly no one held her hand when she went into her first combat zone. Seeing her rapier squelch into an enemy combatant and see the bloody tip of it pointing out his back was one thing. But she grit her teeth and pulled back, letting his body slip off before delivering a quick cut across his throat. It was either that man or her, and she chose herself.

But as gruesome as the military was as she rose through its ranks to become the specialist she was now, there was something she appreciated in being able to do things on her own volition and style.

Like her morning coffee. While she learned to have it black while on duty, that didn't mean she couldn't indulge in watching her top-of-the-line coffee maker produce the perfect cup of coffee each time. Oh, and with just a tiny bit of cream and sugar, the real kind. Never too much, but just enough to add a complex feel to her drink, a feeling of _her_ in her cup.

Winter Schnee relished the smaller pleasures in life. And while her father may not have fully agreed with her career choice, that certainly didn't mean he didn't care for her. Case in point with the coffee machine.

But in about two minutes, Winter's morning was about to be ruined. After having returned from her military rotation just the night before, naturally she had much of her mail, physical and electronic, backlogged for both security purposes and because she simply wasn't there to read it.

Now it wasn't the pile of mail that was the problem. She had grown used to it after her second rotation and knew that the sooner she handled it the better the rest of her time off would be. And so here she was, casually sorting through the third piece of junk mail from Gordeau's Weaponry telling her that she was overdue for her weapon maintenance check.

She put the letter back in its envelope and tossed it into the trash. Winter could do her own weapon maintenance, thank you very much.

But two minutes had passed, and Winter picked up the letter that was to be the problem.

"The Hunters Guild?"

The Hunters Guild was an old guild that was perhaps best described as being in limbo. It was both old-fashioned and yet offered a valuable database and resource for hunters and civilian alike. In fact it was so old that it only changed its name from 'Huntsmen' to 'Hunters' in the last two years. And from this state of limbo it was always unsure on whether the powers that be would seek to dismantle it and create a new, more relevant social body that served the same purpose but better, or if they would be left alone to continue to do what they did best - nothing of extreme value.

And while Winter's main line of duty was with the military, she had first trained to be a huntress, which meant that she had gone through all the legal rigamaroo associated with it. Undoing the letter, she drank deeply from her coffee as she began to read.

 _To Miss Winter Schnee,_

 _We hope this letter finds you in good health. As you know, the Hunters Guild dedicates itself to the betterment of the livelihood of hunters such as yourself. By extension, we also dedicate ourselves to the betterment of the quality of life for the civilian population._

 _However, due to recent catastrophic events_ (Winter felt her eyebrows furrow. There were no recently reported incidents regarding catastrophes, events, or catastrophic events that she could recall. Still, she continued to read, drinking as she went), _it has been deemed that humanity as a whole has been endangered. Reports indicate that birth rates have recently fallen in the last year, which means that the equilibrium of the birth-to-mortality ratio is not in balance. Currently, the Hunters Guild is working to take steps to resolve this issue as well as help prevent further situations from happening._

 _Thus, with the power that is vested in the Hunters Guild, we hereby declare that you are now married to Mister Qrow Branwen. This pairing took the following factors into acco_

Winter stopped reading there as she had spat her coffee out all over the letter and the rest of it had, if only for a brief moment, become illegible.

* * *

Qrow Branwen was often seen as a bit of a slouch who just happened to be good with a sword-scythe-gun thing. Those who saw him that way and then actually saw him work often changed their mind afterward. Many would describe that his movements were calculated and precise, that his strikes with his sword-scythe-gun thing were deadly and efficient, and that for all the drinking on the job that he did he was actually very competent compared to most others at his work.

It didn't change what they would say about his questionable character, however.

Still, it meant that his reputation as a hunter was well known. He had traveled across much of Remnant, from the cold mountains of Atlas to the undercity slums of Vale. He had fought both Grimm and humans alike, helping strike a precarious balance between the job he did and the job that he really did.

Education was really just a side thing. Parent-teacher meetings be damned.

Still, he had just returned from a particularly long mission where he needed to hunt down and destroy this particularly elusive Grimm. And while he tended to celebrate at the end of each successful major job (he didn't celebrate every tiny thing - that would dull the moment when it actually mattered) this one required a little extra in the way of celebrating.

In the end he didn't get lucky and bag a nice lady to spend the night with, but at least the drinks were good. He actually couldn't remember half the night for once instead of not remembering only a quarter.

But for all his merriment, his morning would be ruined in roughly two minutes. Due to security reasons and for the fact that he was out in the wild chasing down this annoying little Grimm thing, Qrow had amassed a large buildup of mail, both the electronic and paper kind. He had already handled the electronic ones - delete delete delete delete message from Ruby delete delete - so now all that was left were the old-fashioned letters. Sitting at the counter of the kitchen in his quaint flat (Qrow saw no use in a bigger house as he never seemed to stay in it long enough to need all the space), he sifted through the mail, trying to separate what was junk and what seemed to be at least slightly important.

That was until he came across a particular letter that was addressed to him.

"The Hunters Guild?"

He felt his eyes narrow. Anything from the Hunters Guild was almost never good. The only time he got something good was his first paycheck from them, and that was only because they hadn't set up his electronic banking yet.

Thus, he cautiously opened it, praying that it wasn't a mission or anything of that sort.

 _To Mister Qrow Branwen,_

 _We hope this letter finds you in good health. As you know, the Hunters Guild dedicates itself to the betterment of the livelihood of hunters such as yourself. By extension, we also dedicate ourselves to the betterment of the quality of life for the civilian population._

 _However, due to recent catastrophic events, it has been deemed that humanity as a whole has been endangered. Reports indicate that birth rates have recently fallen in the last year, which means that the equilibrium of the birth-to-mortality ratio is not in balance. Currently, the Hunters Guild is working to take steps to resolve this issue as well as help prevent further situations from happening._

 _Thus, with the power that is vested in the Hunters Guild, we hereby declare that you are now married to Miss Winter Schnee. This pairing took the following factors into account:_

 _Both of you have lived past the average lifespan of a hunter by several years, indicating your clear strength and experience in the field._

 _Your age gap also falls within the compatibility range at roughly thirteen years, four months, and seventeen days apart while also being, to the best knowledge of the Hunters Guild, single and not romantically involved with anyone._

 _Finally, a combination of your two relative strengths would lead to a powerful legacy, of which we hope will follow your footsteps in becoming strong huntsmen and huntresses._

 _With this marriage, we expect that your combined contributions will lead towards the rebalancing of the birth-to-mortality ratio._

 _We look forward towards your future collaboration together,  
The Hunters Guild_

Of course, being the man of questionable character, Qrow didn't read the whole thing.

Actually, he may have only read half of it. And of that half, he only read half of that, and half of that half.

"Let's see…" he said to himself. "Blah blah, betterment of livelihoods... birth-to-something, whatever… you are now married to Miss Winter Schnee…"

His eyes narrowed, and he reread the letter a little more slowly.

"Thus, with the power that is vested in the Hunters Guild, we hereby declare that you are now married to Miss Winter Schnee."

He reread that last part.

"-you are now married to Miss Winter Schnee."

He felt his mouth hang.

* * *

Across Remnant, two voices echoed in confused unison.

"What the **fuck?** "

* * *

A/N: I'll be frank. This pairing is dumb and sometimes feels like it borders the line of being a crackship. There's little reason in canon for any type of romance between the two, only hate and dislike.

With that being said, I must admit that I am Qrowin trash. It's kind of hard to not ship these two right now since not only is there a lack of reasonable alternatives, yet their opposed dynamics lead a tried-and-true attractive setting of two people who dislike each other somehow developing feelings for the other.

However, if this is continued, I don't even know if the two will actually get together. This would probably be a "they hate each other but everyone else seems to like the idea" type of story. I have a general idea of where this will go in terms of scenes and story telling as well as some notes to go with it, but the ending I'm still undecided on. I guess leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Chapters would probably be quick, short, and be a bit like "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", a classic favorite of mine. Easy to read, nothing super deep, and hopefully just full of silly things, much like this chapter.

Now there is also another problem, which is the same problem that "Vomit Girl" faces - time and commitment. As mentioned before, my main goal is "A Harsh Lesson". This was written some time ago, again just burning a hole in my database, so I finally relented and posted it here. I would like to try and update it though, because then it becomes a storm of colorful jabs and insults that would be allowed in a classroom. For example:

"You should stay as a bird more. It would spare me the grief of looking at your face."

"And see the ugly sewers that is the mess between your legs? No thanks."

"Shouldn't you be flying around instead of crawling along the ground like a worm? Don't tell me your so old that your wings have been clipped already."

"Then I'd have to see your tits, which is the worse of the two evils."

"And why is that?"

"Because I would have to remember who they're attached to."

... Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be allowed in a classroom. But a story where all I think about is a bit of plot and how the two of them insult each other? It's hard to say no to, so I guess I'll be gauging interest in this.

Oh, but do leave a review if you can. Reviews make me happy, like a dolphin eating fish before it leaves our atmosphere. And I'll see you all soon.

And again, thank you to Water1556 and ImSoAwesome for beta'ing this little part. I DIDN'T FORGET THIS TIME.

edit 12/18/16 - corrected some minor typoes


	2. Chapter 2

They ended up ringing each other at the same time. Two in the afternoon for Qrow, five minutes after eight in the morning for Winter because of a six hour time difference and because she liked to have her clocks set a little sooner.

"Qrow. I assume that you got the letter as well, then."

"Yeah. Piece of shit is what it is."

"Well, with any luck we can get this thing sorted eventually. I'm sure if we bring this up to the Hunters Guild, we can begin the annulment process."

"That's the problem, Ice Queen. When was the letter issued to you?"

"... Two months to the day. Don't tell me - the appeals time frame has passed?"

"You guessed it."

"How come _you_ didn't stop this sooner?"

"I was doing work for Ozpin. I sure as hell won't get shit while I'm out there."

"... And I was on deployment. Perfect. Does the guild not know when we're on a mission or deployment?"

"C'mon, Winter, you know the guild is just an old thing. And with our line of work, well…"

"Fine, fine, I get it."

A collective pause. A shared sigh. A growing headache for both of them.

"So uh… does this mean we're gonna need a lawyer?"

"I'll ask my father if he has any recommendations."

* * *

There's this thing called urgency. Some might describe it as the need to do something. More accurately, it is the need or desire to get something done so soon that a person must devote their whole being to completing the task, however minor it may be. And it was with this great urgency that Winter set out to try and find a good lawyer - one that specialized in divorce and other marital affairs.

(The kind of marital affair where two people hated each other, not the naughty out-of-wedlock kind.)

Qrow, on the other hand, decided that while it wasn't his task to provide a lawyer, it still fell onto him to do more research on the particular 'power' that this guild had. But try as he might, all he could find was the history of the rule. About forty years ago, someone wanted to get married.

And that was it. No real specifications. No desired party. The person just wanted to get married. This spurred some giant creation of a program that would set out and catalogue who was available. Soon, someone was found as compatible and they got married.

There was also another interesting fact that this was the only pair to have been married with this system over the span of forty years. Everyone else had quickly opted out of it as soon as it was in place. And while there _was_ the caveat where if the person was on registry for seven years or more, they would be entered into the system for pairing. But usually the person got married on their own before time was up or they, well, died.

That was what probably got the two of them together in the first place. He clearly recalled being asked a strange question about marriage and vehemently marked no at the time. Perhaps it was just something that expired for the both of them.

In short order, however, Winter was able to secure a lawyer, who was said to have been the most meticulous and methodical that her father knew, for better or for worse.

* * *

"Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Branwen. So glad to see you today."

That was the sound of hell freezing over.

"Schnee will do just fine," Winter tersely said.

"Ah, I see. So it is Mrs. and Mr. Schnee then, like with your father."

That was the sound of hell freezing over a _second_ time.

"No, no, just-" Qrow fumbled about, hands rising up just a little bit, "We're not changing our surnames."

"Hm, very well then." The lawyer took a seat, a bit perplexed by their decisions, but nonetheless continued with the appointment. "Winter, your father told me that you wished to obtain some lawyer services regarding your recent marriage. He was able to give me an overview, but those are not _your_ words." Bespectacled eyes fell onto her, "I would like to hear your side of the story, if I may."

"There's not very much to say," her hands were neatly folded in her lap. "I was on deployment, so naturally I don't have access to my mail. So when I returned, I saw the letter and it said I was now married to Qrow."

"And then what?"

The line of her lips thinned. "That's it. There are no other details for me to add on."

"Uh huh…" a small nod, and then the lawyer turned to Qrow. "Now then, would you please share your side of the story?"

"What's there to share though? The exact same thing happened to me," he said. "Go here. Do this. Kill that. Come home and find out you're married."

"Mhmm… And for the 'Go here, do this, kill that' part of your story, could you go into more detail?"

He shot a quick glance to Winter, who could only shrug. "Uh… I can't tell you."

"What he means to say is that it's not important," Winter leaned over a bit, "Can you help us?"

"Well," the lawyer leaned back in the chair. "That depends on what kind of help you're looking for. You're being married by a fortysome-year old law that was put into place by a lonely person who used the excuse of fixing the birth-to-mortality ratio as a reason to get married."

"Alright then," she continued, "what are our options?"

"If you want a divorce, that's easy. But the problem is that Qrow gets half of your assets. And if you have any children, then that's also a-"

Qrow cut in, "We don't have kids."

"Alright, so it's just the assets then." The lawyer moved their body towards the desk, fingers resting on the keyboard and typing away. "That won't be too hard. I can get you a divorce within the month."

"We don't want a divorce," Winter interjected. "We want an annulment."

"Oh," their fingers paused. "Well, I have some bad news regarding that. Because the time to appeal this has passed, the marriage can't be annulled."

"Hey," Qrow leaned forward, his elbow coming to rest threateningly onto the desk. "You want to say that again?"

"I would appreciate some _civility_ in this discussion, Qrow." For a moment they locked eyes, and he pushed off, crossing his arms and leaning back in the chair. She turned back to the lawyer. "What do you mean it can't be annulled?"

"Well, back when you first joined the guild and began to reap its benefits, you signed a contract. Regarding this law, the contract allowed you to opt out for a certain time period. During that time period you were expected to get married or die. Since you have failed to do either-"

"Can you believe it, Winter? We failed at _fucking dying_."

"Shut _up_ , Qrow."

"As I was saying, because you failed at this task, you were entered into a pool of candidates to be matched for marriage. I imagine that Qrow was in the pool for longer, and Winter's grace period expired more recently, thus matching the two of you."

"I can imagine it now." Qrow's head reeled back, craning his neck over the chair. "Number of days since forced arranged marriage for the sole purpose of producing children: three."

The lawyer turned to Winter. "Are you sure you two don't have any children? I understand that Qrow said you don't, but I once had a case where-"

"Of all the-" Winter rose to her feet, hands slamming onto the table as she leaned over. "It's been three days." She closed her eyes, took a breath, tried to relax, and opened them again. "Three damn days of this stupidity. On the contrary, it takes around forty weeks for a child to be born from the day of conception. So please, _just get on with it_."

"Well, at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do for you outside of divorce. It's legally binding."

"Say," Qrow cut back in, a small lift in his voice. "How legally binding is this?"

The lawyer looked at him like he had two heads, and one of them had just detached itself to buy lunch. "Excuse me?"

Winter brought a hand to her temple. "I believe what he means to ask is if we need to actually follow through with it."

"Well, of course you do. In fact, according to your Atlas-Vale composition, you're legally bound to to produce a child or be pregnant by the end of the second year together."

Her groan was loud and fierce, akin to a dragon sighing. But before she could speak up, Qrow's scroll started to go off. As he started to pull it out, her own scroll vibrated and she looked at the screen. She gave one last look at him, just in time to see the color drain from his face. And she knew exactly what the reason was.

"Oh shit," a hand went to cover his eyes. "It's my nieces. They think we're married."

"They're not wrong. You two _are_ married."

"Not. Helping."

* * *

A/N: Talk about reviving things from the dead. I put this on hold to finish Countess Dracula and other things, but perhaps it's time to return to this. Hopefully it was worth the wait :S Not a ton to say besides that this is pretty dialogue heavy - but the dialogue is the more interesting part of the story so far. Hopefully I got the satire feeling down.

Anyway, hopefully the wait between this and the next chapter won't be almost two years later. Cya for now though!

 _Beta'd by ImSoAwesome_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: A Pair of Siblings**

The plan was for Qrow to go to Patch and have a talk with his nieces. In the meantime, Winter would take the opportunity to return to Atlas and explain things to Weiss. It would probably be ugly, but it was a needed step. From there, they would be able to start unraveling the whole mess that the Hunter's Guild threw them into.

Taking a quick night to rest after the talk with the lawyer, Qrow boarded a flight back to Patch to meet up with his nieces. Winter, on the other hand, wanted to take a longer time to mentally work through this. Going through her father's portfolio of lawyer connections to find one that was more geared towards marital affairs was exhausting, so she returned to her apartment and nearly collapsed on the couch. Poor form, one that she would have berated herself for at any other instance, but she let her face mold into the armrest for a blissful moment longer.

Tomorrow, she wanted to do something for herself. She had just come back from deployment, and though she took a small moment for herself when she first arrived, this was supposed to be her vacation. Her time of rest. She did not expect to be more stressed here than when she was out on the field.

Then again, she didn't expect to suddenly be married, so she was pretty sure this was just a one-off thing.

Maybe she'd just let it go for tomorrow. Sleep in, skip breakfast, do something she'd probably frown upon later. Then the day after she'd have her talk with Weiss.

She ended up skipping the first two because her stomach demanded that she eat. But she did make good on the third - just enough wine to fall asleep on her couch in the middle of a sappy movie she'd been wanting to watch for a while. Sort of a way to let things just fall to the side for a moment.

Notably, however, this led to missing several texts from Qrow in the morning (ignore, ignore, ignore), one from Klein, and only finally waking to a concerned call from from one of her father's security officials.

* * *

The flight over to the small island was about the only good thing to come from the morning for Qrow. It let him rest and then order a drink with his in-flight meal of pancakes and eggs, which was surprisingly good considering it was airplane food. They touched down a little bit after ten, where he stretched his legs, found a secluded corner away from everyone else, and then took off like a bird. The rest of the trip to Tai's place was like the back of his hand. He'd have his talk with his nieces, tell them that the wedding was cancelled, and then crash at a hotel or something.

So to say that he was surprised to see Weiss Schnee drinking tea on the patio of the Xiao Long household was apt and accurate. So surprised, in fact, that he nearly crashed into the dirt path leading up to the house.

"What an amazing impression the you're making upon your sister-in-law today."

For a moment he was stunned, only holding his upper body up from the ground like a failed pushup. But he blinked, remembered to breath, and spoke. "Okay, first of all I am not your in-law, so please never say that again. Two - why the hell are you in Patch?"

This time it was Weiss' turn to breath. Her lips turned into a narrow line before quickly morphing into a frown. "My birthday was coming soon and I had an opening in my schedule, so as a gift to myself I decided I would take a trip to Patch and," her frowned turned even sharper as she let out a sigh, "...surprise your nieces."

His brow furrowed and he dragged a hand through his hair. "The tone of your voice tells me that this didn't go as planned."

The cup of tea rose to her lips and she took a swift sip. _Fffffp._ "It sounded like a good idea at the time."

Qrow looked up as his shoulders dropped, doing his best to let the additional surprise roll off of him. "That's probably a side effect of being around my nieces for too long." But he shook his head. He needed to get back to the task at hand, and this was distracting. "Speaking of my nieces, where are they? I'm surprised you're not spending time with them."

Another sigh, and she set her cup of tea down on the patio table. "I don't know."

"Of all the-" he nearly snarled, but he reminded himself that he needed to be calm. Collected. He wasn't here to intimidate Weiss. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know, okay?" her voice rose for the first time, ice blue eyes locking against his red ones. "I came here to try and surprise them for my birthday, to try to do something spontaneous for once in my life, and they're not here."

"And you didn't call them?"

"Have you?"

That… that was a very fair and valid point. He was so intent on just booking the flight to Patch and figuring out how to talk to his nieces that he just assumed that they were on the island during their break and-

"Okay, good catch." His hands dashed into his pocket, pulling out his scroll. "Let me call them."

"They're not picking up." _Fffffp_ "I tried them both a few times already and I haven't been able to reach them."

Right. Of course they wouldn't pick up their scrolls. "Well, whatever," he brushed it off. "I'm just here to tell you that I'm not marrying your sister and we're getting it annulled."

 _Fffffp-_

Weiss erupted into a hacking cough, doing her best to remain composed while not choking on her tea. "What do you mean you're not getting married?"

His brain did an absolute about face, tried to jump through a hoop, crashed into the hoop, fell to the ground, and then sputtered to a stop. " _What?_ "

The teacup probably cracked with how hard she slammed it down onto the table. "Look," she finally said after fighting down the last cough. "The news from the guild caught me as a surprise, too. Winter? Marrying? _Marrying you?_ I was very surprised that she didn't contest it, so she must see something she likes in you."

"We were both unavailable," he said. "No one was able to contest the arrangement within the timeframe."

"So…" Weiss' brow furrowed, "she doesn't like you?"

Was there something in her drink? "You have be kidding me. We literally hate each other. And if we didn't previously, I'm very sure that we do now because of this whole mess we're in. Why were you so excited about this, anyway?"

"Okay. Okay," her chest rose and fell as she recomposed herself again. "I will admit that I was hoping you'd marry her because she had finally found someone that she felt was compatible with her. Why else would she leave the relationship be, after all. But beyond that? I looked back on everyone who she's ever had contact with and you are by far the best choice for her."

"And how did you come to _that_ conclusion?"

"It's quite simple, Branwen." She looked him in the eye, "You're the only one that's not after the Schnee Dust Company."

His own eyes, however, rolled like how a stone might roll. "Like I give a shit about your company. I don't want the money, I just-"

"See? Perfect!" She dashed up to him. "I need you to marry my sister so there's no outside risk of it falling to someone else. I need the company if I'm going to make the changes I want to see, and to keep it in my hands I need my sister to be my ally at the table and you-" her finger jabbed into his chest- "are the best one to make sure that no one else influences her choices."

Now she was getting physical. He looked her in the eye, crossed his arms, and un-slouched his back. "And what if I said no?"

"Simple," she walked back to the table, sitting down and grasping her teacup. _Fffffp_. "I'll get my father's best lawyer."

He wanted to tell her that it was tough luck - that they were already a client of them and that she would have to find someone else. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." He still had to talk to Yang and Ruby too. "Now to just figure out where the hell my nieces are." But instead his scroll rang, coming from a number that he didn't recognize. He let her small 'victory' slide, just like he slid his fingers over to unlock the screen and brought it up to his ear.

"Hello?"

* * *

Winter had tried to ignore the pounding headache echoing through the sides of her skull. So far, though, the bob from every single step seemed to remind her that three cups of wine was too much. And after her fourth glass, it was a miracle that she even remembered watching the movie in the first place. And now she was being escorted through the halls of the Schnee Mansion to handle something that she almost couldn't believe.

Finally, the guide pressed a panel, opening a secret door and gestured her forward. Gone were the pristine walls and instead there were computers upon computers and screens and monitors and stairs going down to a lower floor. But she strode past all of that, through the hubbub of the security center and down one last hall to a locked door.

Yanking it open, she took a seat at the lone table of the room. Right across from her was Yang Xiao Long and Ruby Rose, handcuffed with the links passing through a center loop. The loop was really just for show - they were trained huntresses that could probably escape at any time, but it was the intimidation factor that was important.

Still, Winter didn't say anything, instead letting a hand rest against her aching forehead. She was informed of the full extent of the situation, yet she was still reeling from the entire stupidity that seemed to have recently swathed around her life. It was like there was a sudden cloud of it that made everyone she had to deal with exceptionally foolish or incompetent.

The only one immune to it seemed to be the direct target of her ire, Qrow.

Eventually she looked up, and she took one breath, one that she was sure would be accompanied by many more afterward. "Let's start from the first thing that boggles me. What are you two doing here?"

"Oh, so, you see, Weiss' birthday is getting kind of-"

"So Weiss' birthday was coming up soon, and-"

Don't snap at them.

"So why not surprise her, right?"

"Yeah, greatest idea we had in a while for birthdays."

"Weiss never really goes out all that much so we were gonna-"

 _Don't snap at them._

"And so now we're here!"

"Right. Right." She straightened her back. "Clearly this worked out very well for you with how you," she jabbed a finger towards Ruby, "were dangling from a tower spike from your cape and nearly choked on it. This then caused you," this time it was Yang's turn to face the wrath of her index finger, "you to nearly cave in the roof in some twisted attempt to…" her brow furrowed, " _save_ her." How it was classified as 'saving' was a mystery to Winter. But many things were becoming mysteries lately and perhaps it was better to simply leave it be.

Ruby's chin fell onto the table, where her arms partially obscured her face. "It sounded like a good idea at the time."

"Moving on to the next question then - Weiss." She looked at the two girls through her fingers. "Where is she?"

Yang looked up, shooting her a quizzed look. "You mean Uncle Qrow didn't tell you? She's in Patch. We tried to call him and apparently he told us she had the same idea as we did or something."

So that's what his messages were probably for, then. Qrow should have just called, but then that meant waking up to his voice - one of the things Winter was hoping to avoid down the line. She was expecting to have a calm talk with Weiss to explain that she wasn't getting married, but of course life threw her for another turn.

She took the second deep breath of her morning. Might as well break it to his nieces instead. "Hmph, regardless of the outcome of this mess you've brought onto yourselves, I do want to take a moment to explain our... marriage situation." She looked both of them in the eye, "Your uncle and I are getting it annulled."

There was a blissful silence. The world stood still as the two girls stared at her, mouths agape, forms fully frozen. There were no words, no chirping of birds. Just still, like the deep ocean, or the emptiness of space, or the-

"WHAAAT? You can't _-oww!_ "

"No! Nononon- _owowowowow!_ "

The both of them tried to stand up, but with their hands cuffed and linked through the same loop, this only brought them mild pain upon them as they knocked heads against each other. Perhaps Winter's only source of satisfaction for the day so far.

Yang recovered first. "But we thought you two loved each other!"

Winter stood up from the table. It was clear that this wasn't getting anywhere, and it wasn't her job to explain the facts to the nieces anyway. She was supposed to talk to Weiss. She just needed to bring the issue to light and let Qrow handle the two of them at a later time. "We don't love each other. In fact, we are both in agreement that this marriage is a mockery of an actual one. It will be annulled."

Ruby, however, seemed utterly crushed by the revelation. For a moment she worried if the girl had been concussed, but she started to cry and looked up at her. "But you'd be the best aunt ever!"

"Look, you're making Ruby cry-"

"That is not my fault and I refuse to let you pin it on me." She began to walk towards the heavy door, where she would begin the first phase of leaving behind these two children forever. "Now, if you leave without doing anything stupid, I will ask the estate not to press charges. I have a hangover I need to nurse and I'm not in the mood to-"

"A hangover? You have-" Yang nearly face planted onto the table again with how quick she tried to move. "See? You're just like Uncle Qrow - drinking before important talks! You're perfect for each other!"

Winter paused in her step, shooting a quick glance over her shoulder. "What an impression the Branwens have left on me today. Incompetent, foolish, and rude. Seems to run in the family."

She slammed the door harder than she intended to on the way out, but it felt good to do it. Like popping-a-balloon good

"I-" a hiccup, and then a loud series of sobbing sounds came from behind the heavy metal- "I just wanted to be called Aunt Ruby!"

Ahh, sweet, sweet music to her ears. But just for now. Any other day and it probably would have been saddening to hear. Right now, though, it was-

Her scroll buzzed in her pocket. Another heavy breath, and she pulled it out to see Qrow's number. Flipping it open, she brought the scroll to her ear. "Your nieces are the worst, Branwen."

"Ah, so you know then," his voice cracked through. "Anyway, I got to talk to Weiss. Sorta explained what I could, though she might need to hear your end of the story too, for what it's worth."

"She'll have to settle for 'I'm was on deployment, you boob'."

"Did you get to tell my nieces?"

"I told them of our intentions. They'll probably have some questions for you."

"Fair enough." There was a sigh from his end - a sign that something was far from pleasant. "Anyway, I have some bad news. Raven wants us to stay married."

In that moment, her mind raced to think of a face. Contacts, contracts, support members, whistle blowers, but nothing came to mind. "... Who's Raven?"

* * *

A/N: Eyyyy! Another chapter! Not too much to say this time. Originally I was going to have both of them visit Patch and explain the details to the Yang, Ruby, and Weiss. But I realized that it didn't work so I adjusted it. The two would go to where they would expect the others to be, but obviously it is not the case. Strangely enough I feel like the humor wasn't as strong in this one. That might be due to how Weiss, Yang, and Ruby have to act close to how they could in canon while with the OC Lawyer I was able to mold to fit into the moment, so it worked out much better previously. I'd say I still did a good job here, but it felt a little tough to get it to work.

Reviews!

SuperSaiyajin4Vegeta: Your patience has been rewarded lol. And thanks for waiting ;_;

merendinoemiliano: Thank you for giving this fic a shot! Hopefully it's to your liking!

Kc4229: I've been working on it here and there, so I'm glad it's as good as I hoped!

Anyway, hopefully the next chapter will be easier to write out that particular humor I'm trying to go for. I have a few things I'm working on though, so hopefully I'll see you all soon!

* * *

Beta'd by ImSoAwesome


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: A Pair of Pairs**

It was decided that they would have as civil of a discussion as possible. Raven and Weiss sat on one side of the kitchen table and Qrow and Winter sat on the other. His sister was leaning back in her chair, perhaps just seconds away from kicking up her feet, and Weiss was sipping away at a second cup of tea.

On the other side was Qrow, dragging a hand through his dark hairs. Winter wasn't exactly there - she was just a video feed on his scroll for now - but the representation was what was important. He would handle Raven and she would handle her own sister.

"So this is the woman that has my brother's heart in a bind," Raven's head tilted to turn back to him.

Breathe in, breathe out. "Does Tai even know you're here? And what are you even here for?"

"Of course not. He left one of the windows open so I flew in." Her eyes settled on Qrow. "Besides, I heard some good news for my little brother. Didn't think you had it in you."

"I assure you he has nothing worthwhile in him," Winter crackled through. The connection _was_ hailing from Atlas, after all. "Maybe the liquor he consumes, but nothing else."

"Cut to the chase, Raven. Why do you, of all people, so suddenly care about me getting married?" With a loud scrape of the chair leg, he pushed himself back and put his feet on the table. Better to get the real estate first before Raven did. "You obviously have something to gain, don't you?"

"Not as much as our tribe stands to benefit." Her head tilted back, her black locks framing her like a wild peacock. "Why don't you tell the two of them what we've brokered, Weiss?"

"Brokered. Of course. Because the SDC is now willing to employ bandits. Just perfect." If the signal was a little better, he was sure he could probably hear her eyes roll through the air waves.

Weiss took a sip of her tea before starting. _Fffffp_. "Raven is more interested in sustaining the tribe than meddling in any deals to try and control the company. More importantly, this opens up a trade opportunity that the SDC has actually been looking to acquire for some time." Her eyes traveled between him and the screen. "One of the biggest losses that the SDC deals with on a yearly basis is the loss of dust during transportation. Raven has offered to lend protective services for our trains that are running through the Mistral area."

"Weiss," Winter's voice came through his scroll again, "these are bandits. I am willing to believe that they are heavily responsible for the loss of cargo."

"Yeah, it's like a bully asking you for protection money. You're paying them so _they_ don't beat up on _you_. And when I say _they_ ," Qrow pointed a finger at Raven, "I mean her. I've been clean since Beacon."

"Oh, I'm so very sure that your missions are just the most _saintly_ of endeavors, Qrow."

 _Fffffp._ "That might be so, but you're not looking at the bigger picture. By allying with them, we could still look at an overall net gain by having them make sure no one else gets at our dust. No raids from rival tribes, less Grimm attacks, and an increased profit since the dust, oh, I don't know, _actually reaches its destination_. And we don't have to send another shipment or fix rails, resulting in a reduced maintenance cost in the long run."

Raven crossed her arms, looking into his eyes. "The Branwen Tribe is looking sing a different tune, now, and what Weiss has offered is a more sustainable approach. I think you'd be happy to know that we have plans to walk the straight and narrow."

"And in addition," Weiss chirped in, "the SDC is also happy to provide health and wellness benefits that are very competitive, of which Raven was very happy to secure. And now that I think about it," her eyes turned to him. "You're also a Branwen and thus also under my employ now. If you ever need help with your drinking problem, we have an Employee Assistance Program that can-"

His legs were off the table and his hands slammed down as a replacement. "I _do not_ have a drinking problem."

(Winter, on the other hand, was very glad that her hangover had worn off by now. Except that a new headache was beginning to stem from an unusual source.)

"Hmph, whatever," Weiss dismissed him, "We're digressing from the topic of your marriage."

A terse reply shot out from the scroll. "We are getting it annulled, you boob. We were both unaware that it was in motion and were unable to stop it until after we returned from our duties. I'm surprised you would actually think I would stoop so low to agree to this."

"Mhm. Duties," Raven had the most devilish look on her face, like she was in the know, but deeper. "Funny that you would both be unavailable. Are the two of you hiding something from your most dearest siblings?"

"Look who's talking, Raven. Gone for a bunch of years and then suddenly back in the house?" If he could, he would have broken the table in half. But he would probably be eating dinner off of it later, so that would be a bad idea.

Finally, though, she huffed. Crossing her arms, Raven leaned over the table to look at Qrow in the eye. "Whatever. At the end of the day, the deal's done and settled. The Branwens are going to play bodyguard for the Schnee's toys. But I need you to help make sure that relations are good with the company. We've been looking for a nice way to break into the public realm, and this contract, as good as it is, is only for a year. So do your family a favor and play nice."

Winter's voice snapped out, louder than before. "I assure you that playing nice is the last thing we'll do. Why does your employment hinge upon our sham of a marriage anyway? Wouldn't the results of your work be the warrant for whether or not your contract is renewed?"

"Now look here-"

Before anything else left her mouth, the front door opened, and all eyes snapped to it as Tai walked in. "Weiss, Raven, I got us some pizza and-" his body became stiff as soon as he knew he stumbled into a boiler room. "Oh. Hey."

Qrow's eyes stung with hot murder and rage as he swiveled back to his sister. "I thought you said Tai didn't know you were here."

In a flash his sister was in motion. Facing away from the table, her blade was already opening up a red portal to Nowhereland. "Shut up and marry the Schnee woman!" were the last words she left them. With a quick dash, her form was absorbed, leaving nothing behind.

"You all start next Monday!" Weiss yelled, right as the portal disappeared.

Eyes closed. Count to ten. Breathe. Breathe.

Eyes open and observe.

Weiss seemed to have remained perfectly still, draining the last of her tea as Tai slowly set the aforementioned pizza down on the table. Their eyes met, and Tai began to talk.

"Okay, Qrow," Tai set the pizza down in front of them. "I know this looks really bad. But I promise that everything will make more sense once we settle down and dig into this." He opened the box, "Look, it's even got your favorite topping, sausage!"

Hands met forehead. "Tai, that's _Raven's_ favorite."

* * *

Winter hung up the moment that the conversation was no longer fruitful. Technically, that would have been as soon as possible. But she wanted to at least make it clear to Weiss that this whole marriage thing wasn't going to work out. She doubted that she was effective, however.

All this made her want to just have another night of drinking and forget everything. But then that meant that she might have a drinking problem, and she would never admit to that. Not when she was sure that Qrow drank more than her on a daily basis.

Great. Just great. She had the whole Branwen Tribe to deal with. She hoped that Raven wouldn't end up rallying the group to have them all send letters and petitions to have her be nice to Qrow for the sake of a paycheck. But it could happen.

"Hmph," she scoffed as she leaned back in her chair. "Shut up and marry the Schnee woman, huh." At every turn it was as if everyone just wanted them to be married. Whether it was for love or benefits, only Qrow really wanted to stop it all from happening.

But suddenly, as if a light at the end of a very long, very dark, very winding tunnel, her scroll rang. The darkest dredges of her soul wanted her to leave it alone, to figure it out later. But the caller called again, and she answered. Winter didn't recognize the number, but she recognized and appreciated tenacity. Sometimes.

"This is Winter."

"Oh, good, you're there." It was the lawyer. "I thought I had called at an… amorous time or something."

"I will pretend I did not hear that description."

"It's not the first time I've called out to a client only to catch the two parties in the process of making up."

"Please stop."

"Right, yes, sorry," the lawyer cleared their throat. "Well, the reason why I'm calling is because there's something I need to check. You, Winter, are naturally a citizen of Atlas, is that correct?"

"Of course."

"Good. And Qrow? Do you know from what nation he hails from?"

"Isle of Dumbasses."

"Can you confirm that? Do you have a birth certificate you have access to?" The lawyer's voice was far more sincere than she would have ever expected.

"I wish. In reality he's most likely from another area. I think I've seen Mistral on his profile, but I can't be sure."

"Well, as long as it's not Atlas, then we're in luck. We have a way that might help you annul the marriage."

Her back had never been straighter.

"Tell me. Now."

* * *

A/N: Eyyyyy! Been a little while, but it's back. I was scared I wrote myself into a bit of a corner and had to do something serious in this not-so-serious fic. But I'm glad I was able to at least do something that was at least semi-humorous.

Not too much to say about the plot, though. But we've gone ahead and met all of the family (except Jacques and Whitley, though I'm not sure if I'll involve them), so it's time to move onto the next part - dealing with the problem.

Reviews!

Acerman: The time is coming. You will know soon...

AFatFlyingWhale: Glad you gave it a shot! And you're right - though I love Qrowin, this isn't really about them getting together. Hopefully this continues to be enjoyable for you!

Konstantinsen: When I wrote it, me neither lol. I was sorta just doing whatever the heck I wanted at the time - I knew how I wanted the fic to end, but just now so much about the early middle lol.

hypernova2718: YEE - glad it was still fun. I'm never sure if the humor is a little too dull, but I just have to keep checking and balancing.

merendinoemiliano: Indeed :3

Anyway, thanks for enjoying this so far! Here's hoping to seeing some Qrowin interaction in V6, and I'll see you all soon.

* * *

 _Beta'd by ImSoAwesome_


End file.
